For the last week I’ve driven by a big, filthy cushion on the ramp to the 405. It’s in that triangular striped area where no one drives, so it hasn’t moved all week. If I had a police escort, I would pick it up just cause I’m sick of looking at it.

How the hell did it get there? Someone lost it while they were driving and kept going? Oh come on, I bet it was something more sinister.

Like when you see a suitcase full of clothes tossed out on the freeway. I’m sure that was no accident. I imagine somebody stuck something in someone they shouldn’t have and public revenge seemed fair. Or someone just didn’t have the balls to break up, and tossing their clothes onto the freeway seemed a good messaging alternative.

Nothing says “We should talk but I don’t wanna” like the old stuff-on-the-highway trick.

A friend had 3 job interviews last month. He thought they all went well and was given the impression he was a serious contender. Things like “We love your work and you’ll be hearing from us.” He would rather have had “You suck” or “I’m not sure you’d be a good fit” so he’s not waiting by the phone. Is that the polite thing to do, give people false hope? Cause that feels mean to me.

An ex that emails occasionally, mentioned grabbing a drink when he’s in LA next week. I answered honestly, that I don’t want to be rude, but don’t see the point in getting together. He’s an ok guy, but we have nothing in common and only dated for maybe 3 months, 5 years ago. So really, what is the point? His response explains it all, he thought it would be fun to hear what I’ve been up to. At least he was honest.

And she wonders why not a single neighbor has come over to introduce themselves. Kelly’s a girl that I think is smarter than me about most things. She’s not hung up on manners or etiquette like I can be, she’s more laid back, and takes a week to return an email. So her expectation of anyone coming over, well it’s kinda hilarious to me.

A new neighbor moves in? Who cares. Maybe they’ll say “Hi” when they do see you, but that’s all you can expect. And who says they should come over to her? Am just not sure whose responsibility it is to make the first neighborly move.

Sorry Kelly, you’re way off on this one.

But one thing I still can’t stand….when people that you haven’t spoken to in years “friend” you with absolutely no message. I’m not Emily Post, but that’s just odd. I added a friend that I hadn’t spoken to since elementary school, noticed she was a friend of a girl I have kept in touch with. So of course, it’s been um, like 30 years so I include a brief Hello hope all is well, sort of thing. She must have clicked “Yes I will accept you but don’t expect any response or actual communicating.”

Then a girlfriend I liked a lot, but lost touch with 10 years ago looks me up and friends me out of the blue. I was happy but confused. No hello, no message, no nothing. After a few weeks I decide to email her Hey, good to hear from you, how’s it going. I get not even a response. So she looked me up, clicked “let’s be friends”. Only to never actually be in touch. No thanks.

Yes, people are weird. People I know. Of course it’s not like we’re friends or anything.

So now I’m officially the only person I know without one. I was patiently waiting with my cardboard phone, til this month to upgrade. And now that it’s do-able, I can’t be bothered. Seems everyone has one, even my mom, so it’s not that special anymore. She’s always been kinda cool, for a mom, but how uncool does that make me. To be out iPhoned by my own mother.

On a site called SeekingArrangement.com, women post trampy profiles with financial requirements and the rich dudes take their pick. They call it an “arrangement” cause it sounds nicer than Cash for Cooters.

The rich old guy in the story with a delightful grey ponytail was more than happy to brag about how well it works. He’s busy making millions and doesn’t have time for real dates, he likes a sure thing. He sounds so pragmatic about it all as they happily go on their fancy dinner dates. He even thinks his beloved Trampalicious might actually like him no matter what. Cut to his skank who sucks it for money…Um no, if he loses his cash, she says she’s out.

But I can find the good in any crappy situation….on the dates there would be some perverse relief, you always have to like the guy. He’s paying you, so you simply sit back and smile, pretending he’s the one. No pesky wondering if he likes dogs or enjoys hiking.

Of course it’s what comes after dinner that makes me sorta nauseous. The guy gets a sure thing. The women, condos and cars.

I’m so naive, last time I slept with a man for money it was called marriage.

I admit it, I’m a bit of a piggy. Not the kind of mess you’d notice, but the serious scrubbing and big time dusting stuff, I dread doing it. I’ve got shelves of books and tiny collectibles I had never cleaned. And never would have.

She took care of all that yesterday. But it had been 2 months since her last visit, it was bad. Let’s just say, no one should have gone in my shower. So of course I became one of those freaks who cleans up before the professional. I was embarrassed for her to see how I had let things go.

I know she needs the work, so of course I’ve recommended her to friends. Seems it’s one of those expenses lots of people are cutting back on. So many other luxuries I’m willing to give up, not my monthly Vicki.

Of course I know it’s rough out there, and layoffs are no joke. But when her frenemies heard, all we thought was, GOOD. We were in a meeting when the news came up, and went around the table each telling of a time she was mean to us.

She was a C U Next Tuesday for sure. Known for playing high and mighty and snip-snapping with everyone, I always wondered how she didn’t get fired. Even now, out on the streets, needing job leads, she hasn’t changed much. She sent an email out to contacts in her Linked In network asking for help. Er…demanding it really.

This is how she started her email. Seriously.

“According to Linked In, I’m connected to over 3 million people through my own connections. Please take a short moment to divert your attention from your daily duties and brainstorm with me on my job search.”

Um…told you.

*Lesson learned from the unemployed bitch kitty: Be nice. It’s never too late to start. When asking for help, do it in such a way that people might actually want to help you.

The first time I saw one I thought maybe the person actually died in the car. Laid down for a nap and just never woke up. That might make sense.

I just don’t get it. Lets take death, tragic and sacred, and turn our grief into a bumper sticker. I loved little Jimmy so much, I’d like to tell the world, on my filthy car window. I’ve heard some even have a photo. Creepy.